An Easter secular service
[Following on from my last post, I wondered what a secular spiritual service would be like, and then I closed my eyes, drifted to sleep, and suddenly found myself in a vast, white building, filled with lights, and a deep, familiar voice spoke to me...]
His Holiness Stephen Fry: Welcome, my followers, we come here today, to consider, to celebrate, to tweet, to Facebook, to Spotify, and not to count the cost, for yea, there is free wi-fi, thanks to the benevolence of our host, T-Mobile.
All: It's good to share.
[And now, the laudation, with Saint Brain of Cox]
Saint Brian: The universe is amazing isn't it?
All: It's amazing.
Saint Brian: So big!
Saint Brian: Things can only get better.
All: I believe in a thing called Love.
[And now, the sermon, by Russell Brand.]
Russell Brand: Did I mention I used to do loads of drugs and sleep with prostitues?
All: You may have mentioned it in passing.
Russell Brand: Then I got really famous. But then I realized fame is empty and meaningless, as I explore in my new book and TV documentary: 'Russell Brand: Beyond the Ego.' Out now on Virgin Books. And now, let us meditate.
[And now, an open discussion hosted by Nicky Campell of BBC Radio 5 Live, sponsored by Innocent fruit smoothies.]
Nicky Campell: Where are you from?
Audience member: Swindon.
Nicky Campbell: Do you believe in a thing called Love?
Audience member: Is that an aftershave?
Nicky Campbell: Have you enjoyed the new Innocent fruit smoothie?
Audience member: No.
[Please turn to your iPods for hymn 56, by Faithless.]
Sister Bliss: God is a DJ.
All: Bo Selectah.
[And now, please gather at the altar for the giving of the sacred MDMA, by Sam Harris.]
Sam Harris: Did you see the interview with me?
All: Another one?
Sam Harris: Take and swallow the sacred pill. Then sniff of the holy Vicks inhaler.
All: Coming up big time.
Sam Harris: Whistle posse?
All: Hands in the air.
[During the taking of the host, a collection will be made for Project Reason. And now, the confession of sins, with David Eagleman.]
David Eagleman: Oh universe, you are physically determined according to mechanical and unchangeable laws, and so are we, so it wasn't our fault.
All: We had no choice.
David Eagleman: There is no sin.
All: There is no virtue.
David Eagleman: As it revealed in the sacred fMRI brain-scan of Turin.
All: Oooh, pretty.
[And now, the blessing, with His Supreme Wiseness, Sir David Attenborough.]
Sir David Attenborough: We have come together, on this tiny blue planet called Earth, suspended like a teardrop in the great vast blackness of the universe, to consider the simple miracle of life, shown here by these two Galapagos turtles, vigorously mating.
All: Cor blimey. They don't half go at it, do they?
[The congregation departs, and drifts off into the night, still buzzing.]